Leaving school? Join the army!
That’s the latest bizarre attempt by the Australian Government to boost flagging military numbers. Instead of taking a gap year and travelling the world, going to uni, or entering the workforce as school leavers currently do, Defence Minister Brendan Nelson this week urged students to don a uniform and serve in the Army, Air Force or Navy.

Billed as a ‘try-before-you-buy’ scheme, recruits would only be obliged to serve for one year, rather than the usual four or more. Colour me cynical, but I predict the government will be lobbying students pretty damn hard to stay beyond the initial period. Especially consider that they “could not rule out” sending the new recruits overseas to fight. What happens if the year expires with the new soldiers being stationed overseas in a never-ending conflict? Like, ooh, say, Iraq? “Right, mate, you’ve done your year, here’s a plane ticket. If you can make it to Baghdad airport in one piece, yer home free.”

I am quite disgusted by this move. It mirrors the current US Military’s recruitment program, where they send officers down to the poorest schools and try to entice young people with claims of travelling the world and being ‘paid to get an education’. Conveniently leaving out the whole getting-shot-at bit.

But don’t worry, it’s not conscription. In the Sunday Age, Brendan Nelson said that although he “believed conscription was popular in the community,” this program is not “a move towards it”. I daren’t ask where he pulled that opinion from, but I think I can safely say that your average Aussie doesn’t think that mandatory military service is a good idea.

It’s a shame, because many school leavers will be taking up the opportunity, subject to eighty days basic training and then dropped off in Basra or Kabul with a backpack and a gun. If they come back at all, more than likely it’ll be after a few years of being separated from their friends and family, and exposed to death on a daily basis for rotten pay.

There are already mechanisms in place for people who want to join the military, let’s not target the most vulnerable and easily-swayed in order to expand the numbers, at the expense of the economy.

Liberal leaver lambasts leadership
MP Steven Pringle, deafeated Hawkesbury candidate for the governing Liberal party stood up in Parliament earlier this week and alleged that the party was “controlled by an exclusive sect, an extremist right-wing group”. I might just be hopelessly cynical, but I thought that was common knowledge.

I jest… somewhat.

Pringle’s claims centre around the actions of upper house MP David Clarke, whom he dubbed the “Godfather”, for manipulating preselection campaigns. More specifically, the ousted candidate is referring to an investigation by The Australian newspaper, which revealed five hundred new party members being shunted into a Hawksebury ALP branch in order to skew the voting.

Membership skulduggery has long been practiced, and reforms are being considered by the party’s state council in order to prevent such things. I’ll keep an eye on this in future weeks.

Bracks emulates the Governator
Victorian Premier Steve Bracks yesterday promised to invest in stem cell research, even if the Federal Government votes to ban therapeutic cloning. This could be a considerable boost for the Victorian biotechnology industry, as the state holds some of the country’s eminent researchers in this area.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently invested $3billion into the area, and is reported to have created over two hundred thousand jobs in the sector. The mind boggles. Obviously, we’re not talking about the same scale here, but not only will there be economic benefits, but Victoria will be able to keep some of its top scientists here, and carry on doing sterling work in an amazing field. There will always be naysayers, and we need to await the vote on a private member’s bill later in the year, but I for one applaud Bracks for this decision. Don’t get me wrong, I still think the guy’s a slimy lunatic, but at least there will be winners all round if this latest policy comes to fruition.

Hi all! After a brief hiatus, Downs Under has returned, and will continue to be a regular feature.

AWB linked to terrorism.
The Australian Wheat Board funnelled $300m of kick-backs to Saddam Hussein’s regime a few years ago. This has been the subject of the Cole inquiry of late, and recent revelations have linked the AWB to terrorist plotting in Iraq. This could lead to executives of the AWB facing criminal charges.

Manager Darryl Borlase discussed an Iraqi proposal to build concrete gas chambers throughout a series of emails from around 2001. The following quotes are pretty damning:

“The bunkers will have cement walls and floors so they are actually designed for burying the Kurds — under the cement?”

“They intend to build them with fumigation capability so the mind boggles as to whether they are fumigating insects or any other pest that pisses them off.”

Attorney-General Philip Ruddock has been called on by opposition spokesmen to look into criminally charging those at the AWB responsible, for breaching anti-terror laws relating to the funding of terrorist organisations. We could quibble over whether a country’s regime constitutes a terrorist organisation, but I think we’d all agree that however one defines it, the acts described here are horrific enough to merit prosecution.

It will be most interesting to see how aggressively Ruddock pursues this, given that there have been allegations in this inquiry about complicity from senior members of the Australian government in the scandal.

Anti-Terror laws to be challenged
Jack Thomas, the first Australian to be tried under anti-terror laws in this country has this week launched a new challenge to the control orders he was placed under.

Given that his conviction was quashed, the federal court-imposed control order under which Mr Thomas was placed seem barbaric, and inherently unfair – something I have written about in previous columns.

Director of the Terrorism and Law Project at the University of NSW Andrew Lynch contends that Thomas has a strong case, especially given that he was not represented in court at the time the control order was doled out.

The test case is scheduled to proceed this December. I hope the decision goes in Mr Thomas’ favour. Otherwise, a dangerous precedent will have been set – that people can be subject to harsh punishment despite being convicted of no crime.

University Bans Books
Australia continues its march towards Orwellian dystopia. Following the refusal of classification from the Office of Film and Literature Classification, Melbourne University has removed Defence of the Muslim Lands and Join the Caravan from its shelves, lest it face prosecution for making the banned books available for staff or students.

Ironically, both of those books are available on amazon.co.uk, and you get a discount buying both together. Shipping to Australia should take about five days.

Everyone’s favourite illiberal Liberal tyrant Philip Ruddock submitted eight books for review/reclassification. His reason – they promoted terrorist acts. Not only is this move monumentally stupid, but it will have exactly the opposite effect from that intended. I may even buy the books myself now, where I didn’t even know of them previously.

We’re going down a dangerous road when an institute of higher education is forced to remove controversial books from its shelves. I hear they’re preparing the bonfires already.

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State Government tries to dodge spending inquiries
The Bracks Government recently launched a legal bid to delay the release of information on Victorian projects until after the State election, due to take place on the 25th of November.

The reports in question are assessments of major spending committments like a new freeway (Eastlink) and an enormous redevelopment of one of Melbourne’s main stations. I fail to see how Steve Bracks thinks that this latest legal manouvre can possibly make him look any better. The Freedom of Information Act request from Deputy Liberal Leader Louise Asher was initially turned down.

After a lengthy tribunal process, access was finally granted, which prompted this latest challenge in the Supreme Court to stop the documents geting out.

The official reason Bracks’ Government gave for turning down the initial request was that the records would include discussions that had taken place amongst cabinet members. As the state Ombudsman said in a recent report, there are well-founded concerns that government officials had in the past interfered, obfuscated and otherwise made the FoI process more difficult for people when it came to potentailly embarrassing or difficult issues.

Personally I think this tactic will backfire when it comes to election time. Nobody likes their elected leaders to weasel out of their committments in such a blatant way, and Bracks is already in enough trouble with the electorate over his broken “No Tolls” promise for the new Eastlink freeway. One to watch out for in the next couple of months.

Don’t agree with our values? Stay out.
So comes the latest decree from opposition leader Kim Beazley, who is this week arguing that visitors and migrants should be forced to sign a statement saying they agree to follow Australian values, upon penalty of being denied entry to the country.

This is an apparent attempt to outdo John Howard’s call last week for muslims to integrate more; perhaps Beazley is trying to court some of the PM’s right-wing electorate? Pleasingly, the Labour party leader attempted to quantify “Australian Values” – something that often remains undefined, as I have bemoaned on this site in past columns. All visitors, even tourists, would have to declare their:

Respect for Australia’s institutions, including its democracy, laws, courts, parliaments, armed forces and police, different religions and cultures, for the equal treatment of women, and for hard work.

Hard work particularly tickles me, surely tourists didn’t come on holiday to work! Picture a collective rolling of the eyes, because that’s what many of the people I talked to about this did when discussing this issue. Beazley said the values of “respect for each other, mateship, fairness, freedom and respect for our laws are the front line in the struggle against extremists and terrorists”.

Sadly, he did not elaborate on this. Mind you, in these days of sound-bite politics this is not entirely surprising. I would not be the first person to point out the ridiculousness of the idea that ticking a box on a visa form would somehow prevent terrorism. And what of Australians visiting other countries? Should they be expected to make a similar declaration when on holiday overseas?

This is a patently-absurd proposal. All visitors and immigrants are subject to Australian laws, this should be enough.

Solomons kick out Aussie ambassador, Howard retaliates
Relations between the Solomon Islands and Australia continue to fail this week, following the expulsion of high commissioner Patrick Cole. His crime? Consorting too much with opposition groups. For those not in the know, there were riots in the S.I. earlier in the year, and two allegedly corrupt politicans have been supported by Prime Minister Manasseh Sogavare in a commission set up to investigate the riots. The commission is generally regarded to be corrupt.

Sogavare has outright refused to accept Patrick Cole back into the country, and appears unfazed by the threat of harsh visa conditions for Solomon Island diplomats. Foreign Minister Alexander Downer insists that any response from Australia will be commensurate to the actions of the Sogavare government. This will probably mean an end to diplomatic immunity and much tighter visa restrictions.

Given that Australia has spent nearly a billion dollars over three years bringing peace, restoring law and order and otherwise supporting the Solomon Islands, it will be interesting to see how this latest stramash affects humanitarian efforts. At this point in time it seems neither side is willing to alter their position.

And finally…Pregnant Cow Prosthesis
Tasmanian farmer Geoff Heazlewood clearly loves one of his prize heiffers a little too much. No, I’m not implying anything… Theresa, apparently a “top breeder” had her leg amputated earlier this year after fall down an embankment. Her loving farmer is coughing up for a prosthetic limb, in order to realign her spine. When questioned over his extraordinary actions, Heazlewood said,

“I think most farmers, particularly stud breeders, will go to extraordinary lengths for their animals.” Indeed.

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Peter Costello stirs up anti-Muslim sentiments
Our treasurer this week decided in his wisdom to insult Muslims for not condemning terrorism enough. This has caused quite a stramash, with prominent lawyer and board member of the Islamic Council of Victoria Waleed Aly responding, saying that the Muslim community has been:

“Speaking out unequivocally against terrorism pretty loudly and continuously for five years. If the Treasurer hasn’t heard that yet, I’m not sure what it will take.”

The Your Say thread quickly filled up with responses on the issue. I’ll quote myself here, and say that Peter Costello is completely out of touch. I think that his willful ignorance is designed to pander to far-right voters, who take great pleasure in demonising others in order to feel better about themselves. Muslim organisations have been denouncing terrorism for years. A cursory search reveals the following:

The Age, 2/10/05 – Islamic Council of Victoria Condemning latest Bali bombings or in 2002, the Islamic Council of NSW condemning the first Bali attacks (pdf).

I found a great article this morning on Islamic Sydney’s website by lawyer Irfan Yusuf. He makes some very interesting points, but the overriding message I took away is that the vast majority of Muslims in Australia are already integrated, and that Howard and Costello’s recent exhortations are completely out of proportion – not to mention insulting.

Leaving that aside for the moment, what would happen if spokesmen for the Muslim community were to unleash an advertising barrage of unequivocal condemnation of terrorism? TV commercials, newspaper adverts, billboards etc. What would the net result be? I’m not sure that it would achieve much, if anything. Terrorists are terrorists; they’re not going to be swayed by moderate Muslims being more outspoken than they already are. Condemnation from general society certainly hasn’t done much to dissuade them. The government and other commentators do Islam a disservice by not recognising that it is as divided and diverse as Christianity.
Boo! Aussies are not afraid enough
Our favourite (read: only) Attorney-General Philip Ruddock continued to do his part in promoting terrorism this week, claiming that Australians need to be more afraid of it. Isn’t that great? Apparently we’re far too complacent. Okay, well let’s see what he said to the Ten Network when questioned on just what it is we’ve to be so afraid of.

“We have no specific information, but obviously when you look at the number of people who have already been convicted and others charged yet to be dealt with, we have to be alert.”

“I think what we’re seeing in the United Kingdom is that there are numbers of groups who it is believed are intent on carrying out terrorist attacks,” he said.

“This is of course the situation that we face. I think we become very complacent about these matters because we’ve not had on our own soil terrorist attacks.”

“We have had, tragically, Australians die in Bali, we’ve had the attack on our mission, we’ve had the aborted attack in Singapore. We are clearly a target.”

I’m aghast, this is blatant fearmongering; I mean he’s not even trying to disguise the fact that he’s basing this on no information whatsoever. I know I don’t need to tell our esteemed readers that the raison d’etre of terrorism is to strike fear into people. Why on earth would Ruddock try and do Osama Bin Laden’s work for him?
Obesity developments
Today (Monday, Sep 4th) saw the coming together of 2500 experts for the International Congress on Obesity. It’s no revelation that this is a growing problem in Australia, but it is being reported that some patients are being denied surgery in case they die under anaesthetic.

The Australian and New Zealand College of Anaesthetists has written to the government urging that action be taken to combat obesity. Their recommended changes appear fairly sensible: more activity in school, better food, regulating junk food advertising to children etc. I think it’s sad that the government has to legislate common sense, but then we’ve seen that education has only had so much of an effect.

At the same conference, Monash University professor Paul Zimmet has highlighted suburban planning as being a contributing factor in childhood obesity rates. So-called “McMansion” style estates – UK readers think “Barrat homes”, only bigger, are cropping up at an increasing rate outside Australian suburbs. Zimmet said,

“These ugly dwellings, which are now sprawled across entire residential blocks at the expense of backyards, have also been a key feature of developments without attention to sidewalks, bike paths, public transport corridors, playing fields and friendly exercise areas, attractive and accessible to people who want to maintain their level of fitness and a healthy lifestyle.”

One key point there is the lack of facilities. Newer suburbs simply provide no other way for people to get to work than driving, even driving to a station. If all there is in walking distance is more houses, children are just going to stay at home playing computer games. Now, I know that will have got a grin out of a couple of TC readers (Naselus, HStorm) – because we did a lot of that growing up (still do!). It was always balanced with a lot of walking and larking about town, though. Growing up we had a lot of fields and parks; shops were in walking distance, as was the shore.

As more and more news comes in about the rising obesity epidemic, it seems clear that something has to be done. It also motivates me to keep going to the gym.

And finally…Crikey.
Bit of a sad story to end on this week. Steve Irwin, known to millions as the Crocodile Hunter has died from a Stingray bite. This was really unexpected and pretty saddening, but I think it’s some consolation that the man passed away doing what he loved. Our thoughts and condolences to his family.

CORRECTION: Reader Hueber has called in to clarify an error. Rather than a bite, the barb from a Stingray pierced Steve Irwin’s heart and killed him. More here in The Age.
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I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go past.

Hi folks, sorry for the delay in this week’s – well, last week’s column. I had a very busy weekend. Anyway, are you sitting comfortably? Let us begin.

Abbott defends religious influence on policies
Health Minister Tony Abbott this week asserted the rightness of the religious reasoning behind his policies.

I find myself becoming very frustrated listening to him speak, because he can be very contradictory. As a Catholic, Costello likes to toe the Pope’s line when it comes to policy that the church likes to weigh in on. He said that he does this…

“not because it was religious, but because it was right.”

But then in the same breath he also said…

“Political debate should turn on human values not religious teaching.”

Which is to be, Tony? It will be interesting to see if the Health Minister alters his stance on embryonic stem cell research given the recent news that scientists have found a way to conduct experiments without destroying embryos.

Jihad Jack subject to draconian provisions
Despite his conviction being quashed by an appeals court, terrorist suspect Jack Thomas now faces severe restrictions on his daily life.

Retribution from the Australian Federal Police perhaps? Possibly. Mr Thomas now has to report to police three times a week, obey a strict curfew, and cannot even use any telephone that has not been approved (read: bugged) by the AFP. I laughed when I read that he has been specifically forbidden from contacting Osama Bin Laden. Yes, that’s likely to happen!

Now, I’m often accused of being a terrorist sympathiser (mostly by morons on The Age’s Your Say blog), but the way I see it is this: If a court of law has quashed your convictions, and you’ve not actually committed a terrorist act, you’re innocent and should be free to go about your daily life. I don’t see that as unreasonable, because it’s a principle that can be universally applied.

The most laughable thing about this is the justification for his continued punishment. Consider these quotes from the police and Philip Ruddock.

“Mr Thomas is vulnerable. Mr Thomas may be susceptible to the views and beliefs of persons who will nurture him during his reintegration into the community.”

“There are good reasons to believe that, given Mr Thomas has received training with al-Qa’ida, he is now an available resource that can be tapped into to commit terrorist acts on behalf of al-Qa’ida or related terrorist cells,”

And from Philip Ruddock:

“The issue is about protecting the Australian community and not punishing a person for an offence,” he said. “If you work on the assumption that only those people who could be convicted of an offence are subject to a control order, then you wouldn’t have control orders.”

Obese teenagers to go under the knife (and fork?)
Sorry, lame joke. Following on from last week’s item on obesity, The Age is reporting on a new State government report which claims that surgery is a cost-effective method to try to tackle childhood obesity levels, which, like their waistlines, are expanding all the time.

The report also recommends restrictions on advertising junk food to children, but Health Minister Bronwyn Pike seems not to be trumpeting that too loudly. Goodness knows why not; I think it would be far more sensible to take practical measures to curb obesity before we consider putting children under the knife. Gastric band surgery is often used as a last resort tactic for morbidly obese adults. It’s a drastic procedure, not without risks.

Unless we chase the fat little buggers round the hospital grounds, scalpel in hand.

Oil price set to fall by Christmas
Cambridge Energy Research Associates have forecast a fall in the price of crude oil to $50 a barrell. John Howard and senior economists have jumped on this prediction to assure us that petrol will go back down to $1.15 a litre by Christmas.

Production is set to grow by 25% in the next 9 years or so, and Howard promises – though with a tinge of caution – that by the end of the year we’ll have seen the end of high petrol prices. I’ll believe it when I see it. What confuses me, and perhaps someone would enlighten me (join the forums!) is that analysts are saying that high prices will lead to a drop in demand, and so prices will drop down again. Surely this will bring demand back up and we will be back to square one?

And finally – no and finally
Okay, there’s not much nonsense going on in Australia right now, apart from the usual political spin, so I’m going to render this section an “irregular feature”.

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Genetically modified hysteria
More nonsense from Health Minister Tony Abbott (among others) this week, following the publication of the Lockhart Report on fertility and medical research with embryos: therapeutic cloning and embryonic stem cell research.

The review committee recommended that a ban on therapeutic cloning be lifted in order to allow Australian scientists to do the same kind of work happening elsewhere in the world. Good news, no?

Not according to Tony Abbott, who parroted the usual paranoid nonsense about “human-animal hybrids”, and accusing scientists of offering false hope. His comments were echoed by Senator Ron Boswell, who says that low-income women will be forced to sell their eggs to research.

Does this kind of inflammatory nonsense really contribute anything? Demanding more signs of progress before policy can change is so redundant it really ought not to need pointing out. Stem cell research is in its infancy, and in order for progress to be made we will need to let scientists work for years.

I have yet to see anyone claim that therapeutic cloning will be a magic cure for all ills; rather that there are exciting possibilities that merit further study.

Drastic efforts needed to curb bulging obesity problem

The International Diabetes Institute and International Obesity Taskforce have written in this week’s Medical Journal of Australia urging drastic direct action to combat the dramatic rise of obesity and its associated health problems.

“Health professionals and their peer organisations must demand that all junk foods and soft drinks be kept out of health institutions, schools and public institutions.”

This would echo the policy of many forward-thinking schools in the UK and USA by actively providing healthy alternatives to the pre-processed filth that is regularly served up. There are conflicting opinions on this issue, however.

Tony Abbott is advocating for better labelling on foods, but refuses to call for more regulation on the junk food industry. So, in effect doing nothing. It’s become quite apparent that education has only had a limited effect, given the huge number of people affected by diabetes, obesity and related health problems. The Health Minister’s spokeswoman said

“It is unrealistic to expect Government to supervise every meal time.”

Perhaps, but why not regulate the meals provided at state institutions? Much like obese kids, it seems the government can’t be bothered actually getting off its arse to do something.

Government to relinquish stake in Telstra?
The government currently has a $24 billion stake in Australias largest telco, and is said to be on the verge of deciding whether or not to initiate a public float.

John Howard has been trying for the last decade to convince us that allowing the company to privatise entirely is a good thing. Many commentators remain reserved on this issue. One thing the government doesn’t want to do is annoy the 1.6 million shareholders, so is expect to commit to continuing paying dividends despite Telstra’s recent poor performance.

I’m not sure where I stand on this issue, on one hand I think that the government will be better able to regulate the company in the public interest by retaining its share, but one the other hand if we allow Telstra to privatise entirely, perhaps we’ll see it fail and more forward-thinking companies come to the fore. In light of their intrasigence on the Fibre To The Node network, it might be a good thing for them to fail.

And finally…(coming)
Sorry folks, time’s been pressing lately so I haven’t had time to prepare a kitten in the tree segment this week, but I’ll stick one in later in the week. A story that is, not a cat in a tree.

As always, we invite readers to come and join the discussion in TheCritique forums.

Scot-in-exile Alec “modeski” Downs’ weekly summary of Australian news.

Alarmist Alarm Alteration?
All alliteration aside (okay, I’ll stop now), Prime Minister John Howard has warned us that Australia’s threat level may be increased in response to the heightened threat of terrorist attack. Currently, the alert level is medium. I have no idea what “medium” means in this context, nor what practical effect this has on daily life. Oh, that’s right: none at all.

Myself and a few other posters on The Age blog debated this issue at length on Friday’s Your Say. My position basic position is that I choose not to alter my way of life, or be any more fearful as a result of these alerts. To do so would be letting the terrorists get their way. Furthermore, and this needs to be stated more often, the alerts mean nothing. Nothing. All increasing the threat level does is increase fear in the populace and garner more votes for the governing parties.
I would also like to point out that if there was a plot in the UK, not only was the threat level not raised beforehand despite months-in-advance intelligence, but it was stopped; shouldn’t the level go down then?

I can see myself going on at length about this issue, but perhaps we should have that discussion in the forums. I’ll finish by quoting John Howard on the issue of liquid explosives – more inflated nonsense, and let the idiocy of his statement speak for itself.

“Common sense tells you that if people take explosive liquids on board an aircraft, and they’re going to become suicide bombers, and they’re going to blow a hole in a pressurised cabin, you can imagine what the horrific loss of life would be.”

The upshot? I can’t take any contact lens fluid with me when I go to Europe. Marvellous.

Human rights act for Australia?
Former PM Gough Whitlam is rumoured this week to be lending his support to a push by former education minister Susan Ryan to introduce a human rights act into Parliament by the end of this year. It will be very interesting to see how this plays out, especially regarding the current trend for over-zealous anti-terrorism legislation.

The High Court ruled in 2004 that the government was allowed to detain stateless persons indefinitely. Whitlam correctly pointed this out when he said on Friday, “The Australian Government has legislated for the secret detention for purposes of interrogation of people whom it knows to be totally innocent of any wrongdoing.” I’m amazed that more people aren’t up in arms against this kind of thing.
Predictably, Attorney-General Philip Ruddock opposes a human rights act. It baffles me that so many high-profile figures in various governments do this; why are they against human rights? I know that sounds like a facile argument, but then these days, there’s not much room for nuance in public debate. I’ve never been entirely convinced by the reasons for opposition to a HRA. Again, this story is one to keep an eye on in coming months.

Information gravel road
I’ve ranted on this subject in opinionated drivel, but I feel that the subject of Australia’s sub-par internet provision needs another airing. Communications Minister and all-round idiot Helen Coonan this week said that we should be happy with the amount of broadband provision available in our cities.

Of course, she completely fails to address the concerns of most internet users, i.e. that the services are too costly, too slow, not universally available and are generally years behind the rest of the world. My main bugbear isn’t just that the speed I can download torrents at, moreover that it costs me more for a slower connection with a ridiculous data cap and shoddy service than the rest of the planet was paying five years ago. Telstra, our biggest Telco and the owner of the copper infrastructure has cancelled plans to build a fibre network around Australia, basically because they wouldn’t make as much money as they wanted. There is a group of nine competitors, ‘the G9′, who have talked about investing the $4bn needed themselves, and they now have a perfect chance to capitalise. Telstra is half-owned by the Government, and so as long as the share price threatens to go down (as it surely would were more people to use VoIP, for example), then I don’t see anyone sticking their neck out to risk the wrath of shareholders.

Gay marriage back on agenda
This Sunday will see independent MP Andrew Olexander unveiling a new bill amed at giving same-sex couples the opportunity to partake in civil unions, giving them the same rights as married heterosexuals. This follows the recent dismissal of a similar bill by the Federal Government. I regard this issue as a no-brainer, personally – all people should naturally have the same rights as all other people, especially when it comes to things like power of attorney, marriage etc. To say otherwise is discrimination, and has no place in 2006. What I find most interesting about this issue is that it’s being reported as a “distraction” for politicans who are trying to focus on the forthcoming state elections. Of course, it’s not a distraction in the sense that it will be just a matter of procedure for the bill to pass, more that politicans regard such civil rights issues as mere inconveniences as they try to grab more power for themselves.

And finally… On the ‘ead, love
I was unable to find anything for this section from Australia, so I would like to direct your attention to Hong Kong, and the dangers of high-rise buildings. No, not the risk of terrorists flying planes into them, more so from irate hairdressers hurtling their tools out the window in a fit of pique. This actually happened a couple of weeks ago, but ya know, it’s Saturday morning. Leave me be. Apparently, the week of the 24th of July, two people were injured by falling scissors in separate incidents, one an elderly woman who had a gash several centimetres deep in her head, and a 28 year-old man whose forehead was injured. Kind of gives a new meaning to ‘take a little bit off the top’!

Scot-in-exile Alec “modeski” Downs’ weekly summary of Australian news.

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No cronyism here, bank on that
Treasurer Peter Costello has this week strenuously denied any wrongdoing with his wife Tanya recently accepting a job with one of Australia’s largest banks, paying $150,000 (£61,000) per year. He conveniently omitted the small fact that the headhunter who recruited Mrs Costello was a 20-year family friend, John Allen.

Mr Allen said, “I can categorically tell you I have had no conversation with the Treasurer at all in the six months in which this was done, except formally, through my role with the Remuneration Tribunal.” Er, would that be the same Tribunal that decides the pay rates for politicians? Why yes, yes it would.

It gets better: In a marvellous feat of political doublespeak, when asked if the bank (ANZ) knew of his relationship with the Treasurer, Mr Allen said “I think there was an awareness that when you’re a recruiter, you can seek someone with a network who can identify and bring talent to you.” Or, roughly translated: “No, and I wasn’t about to tell them.”

Illegal fishermen to walk the plank?
Prime Minister John Howard continues to dismiss human rights as an inconvenience, with a novel plan to refit a prison ship to detain illegal fishermen off Australia’s northern coastline. Perhaps he’s been to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean film recently? Howard somewhat unconvincingly suggested we could one day see a sudden influx of illegal fishermen, and that sticking them in a ship’s brig for a month would be “very sensible” Yes, that seems far more sensible than, say, bringing them to prisons that we already have onshore.

Greens Senator Kerry Nettle said, “This policy harks back to Australia’s penal history” and I’m inclined to agree. Wouldn’t it be far more productive to channel more funds into the Coastguard? I can only wonder who the PM has in mind to give the contract for the prison ship to, and what they promised him in return. Maybe it’s all just a ploy to walk Peter Costello up the plank. Avast, ye usurping landlubber!

Labour gives PM deadline on interest rates
Opposition leader Kim Beazley would not get on well with Supernanny. Where the latter is plump, strict and stresses the consequences of misbehaviour, Mr Beazley challenged the PM to lower interest rates by year end – without saying what would happen if he did not. Where’s the incentive for the naughty child (Howard) to do as he’s told? As interest rates rise this week by 0.25%, Beazley capitalised on this to berate Howard for breaking his promise that rates would not rise under his government. That it was the Reserve Bank of Australia, and not the government who was responsible seems to have escaped the opposition leader somewhat.

Mr Beazley says of the PM that, “He will be judged on whether or not he has managed to [lower interest rates]” by middle Australia. Judged how, one might ask. In the next election? I have to say that the PM has thus far not heeded so-called middle Australia in (m)any issues, and while the ALP fail to present a credible alternative, I don’t think Howard will be unduly worried by this threat. Still, half the fun of not being in power is the ability to issue baseless threats.

Diplomat shirks responsibility for Kovco stuff-up
A bit of background for those of you who haven’t heard of this story: Jake Kovco was the first Australian soldier killed in Iraq. In a story which reminds me very much of the controversial Deepcut barracks, he apparently accidentally shot himself with his own pistol while horsing around. Feel free to draw your own conclusions, but you’d think that of all people, trained soldiers would know not to play with a loaded gun.

Instead of his body being returned to Australia, the military went against its own rules and used a commercial contractor to ship Kovco’s body back to the country for burial. Only, they sent the wrong person home. Instead, Bosnian joiner Juso Sinanovic’s corpse made the journey. Since this was discovered, all manner of people have been stepping up to deny responsibility.

Alastar Adams, the Australian consul who placed his seal on the coffin, thus ensuring the identity of the person, didn’t actually check to see who was in there. If only he’d compared the photograph of the body with Kovco’s passport, he’d have seen that they were two different men, one even have a beard where the other did not. Of course, Adams blames Kovco’s platoon sergeant. The Defence Minister blames the morgue, the Prime Minister promises to get to the bottom of this, and nothing of the sort happens. Now, I’m not usually a member of the tinfoil hat brethren, but the furore over the mixup seems to have stopped people asking questions over just how Kovco died. Or indeed the larger question over what we’re doing in Iraq at all (though no one seems to care any more).

And finally…Mrs Doubtfire arrested for bank robbery
In what has to qualify as one of the dumbest crimes this year, Nino Leo Lanu of Bayswater, Melbourne (about 15 minutes from where I live) dressed up in locally-bought woman’s clothing and stormed into the National Australia Bank brandishing a fake plastic gun he’d bought from the Reject Shop. He made a quick getaway with $25,000 and an exploding dye bag. I say quick, because he lived across the street from the bank. His mum even sent flowers to the staff, not knowing her little darling was the cross-dressing crook. The part that cracks me up the most was that he forgot to shave.

That’s all for this week folks, be sure to check out the forums.

Hi all, and welcome to my first column giving TheCritique readers the low-down on what’s up down under (or rather, Downs Under – my name is Alec Downs for those who don’t know me). Every week I’ll be reporting the latest goings on in politics from an Australian perspective. This name might not be permanent, so please feel free to pass your suggestions for alternatives on to me via the forums.

Prime Minister turns 67, not going anywhere soon

Australian Prime Minister John Howard celebrated his 67^th birthday this week, and continues to fight off pressure from Treasurer Peter Costello to retire. The struggle for leadership of the Liberal party (who, unlike the UK Lib Dems are conservative and in power) reminds me very much of the strained relationship between Tony Blair and his embittered No. 2, Gordon Brown. Over the past few weeks Howard has vehemently denied allegations that in a 1994 conversation with Costello, he promised to hand over the reigns of power after a maximum of two terms in power. Despite this issue threatening to divide the party, both Howard and Costello insist their working relationship remains unaffected. Of course it does.

Unions claim $30 pay increase to combat increased cost of living

The Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU) will this week lodge a claim for a $30 (£12.30) per-week rise for minimum wage-earners with the newly-established Australian Fair Pay Commission. This is largely in response to rising inflation and a government-mandated 18-month wage freeze. Some tabloid papers are placing the blame squarely on bananas, the price of which soared after recent hurricanes decimated the crop. Predictably, business sector representatives are claiming that this wage rise will lead to more unemployment and damage profitability. Of course, the 1.6 million people to whom this would apply are keenly awaiting the outcome of the claim. I find this an interesting debate, especially having recently emigrated from the UK, where the cost of living is a lot higher. With recent rises in oil prices, the price of petrol is a daily complaint; I have to laugh when people insist that $1.40 (£0.47) per litre is outrageously expensive. Having said that, given that only a couple of years ago petrol was as low as $0.60 (£0.25) here, it is understandable that people complain about the impact on their household budget. All I can say is, nowhere else could I afford to run a 3.5l V6.

Muslims urged to stand up and be counted

Islamic community leaders are this week urging up to 100,000 as-yet unidentified Muslims to fill out the appropriate section of the 2006 Australian Census, which will be circulated soon. This writer will continue to identify himself as a Jedi (as per the 2001 campaign in the UK), however I doubt this will have the same impact on funding for government services as it will for Muslims. Many people have been afraid to identify their religion in the wake of the September 11^th attacks on the US, but as the census is anonymous I think any fears of attacks are largely unwarranted. I will report back when the census results are released, and examine what impact there has been, if any.

Aussies in Israeli Army

With the funeral of Australian-Israeli soldier Asaf Namer taking place this week, reports are coming in that up to 100 Australian citizens may be active in the Israeli army, with more moving from the reserves as the offensive against Hezbollah intensifies. Several thousand Australian citizens have been evacuated from the region in the past few weeks.

“Hate” books may be banned

Federal Attorney-General Philip Ruddock has successfully pressured state attorneys-general to conduct a review of literature classifications in order to combat so-called “hate speech”. Despite widespread objection, Ruddock is advocating for what amounts to censorship; in a somewhat contradictory statement, he said: “Material which urges or advocates terrorist acts should not be available for sale, we are not about curtailing freedom of speech.” No one seems to be raising the point that there is no proof, anywhere of anyone, ever, conducting a terrorist act solely as a result of something they read. Nor are any specific titles named. If anybody knows of published terrorist books, we would love to hear from you on the forums. I will keep an eye on this issue in future columns.

And finally… NZ Lawyer: “I’m a lady!”

Bald, mustachioed New Zealand Lawyer Rob Moodie, 67, continued his unique form of protest today at what he deems is a male-dominated judiciary. He assures us that he is in fact, heterosexual, just with an “innate understanding of the female gender”. I’m all for metrosexuality, but Moodie’s apparently extends to women’s clothing, footwear and accessories. This lawyer in leggings is no stranger to controversy; as secretary of the New Zealand Police Association in the 1970s Moodie opted to wear Kaftans and women’s clothing while working cases. I think he looks lovely, but judge for yourselves! Feel free to submit your own images of cross-dressing lawyers, politicians or public figures. Have a great weekend, everybody.