Bush War Syndrome

by Ruzl ‘Naselus’ Odoni

First published October 2004

There is, in this world, nothing quite so horrible as the vile actions one man will have done to another, except for possibly the things one man will have done to hundreds of people who work for him. Hence, we have the horrible Gulf War Syndrome, where vaccines given to the unfortunate troops fighting in the first Gulf War have caused veterans’ immune systems to break down and attack themselves. Vaccines administered without being thoroughly tested. Even on rats. Or chimps. Or by anyone on anything for more than about five months. However, this is nothing compared to a far worse, more specific disease that is passed down congenitally in a terrible patriarchal birth defect, known as Bush War Syndrome.

The early effects are quickly spotted. You become apathetic, lazy and absurdly rich. You are given military placement in that hot-spot of open warfare, Texas, which hasn’t been invaded since the US launched an unprovoked attack in 1845, but find that you just can’t bring yourself ever to actually show up. You quickly fall in with a bad crowd of similarly ill men, snorting cocaine and drinking. Finally, you can’t concentrate, so even after the danger of you actually having to fly a plane has passed, you begin driving Oil Company after Oil Company into the ground.

However, it is later on that the worst effects come into play. You become utterly incompetent with money, going beyond merely wiping out investor’s funds to totally destroying economies. You develop a terrible hatred of middle-eastern men with moustaches. Finally, as the disease reaches the endgame of it’s terrible cycle and seeks to propagate, you spawn a child and continue the curse into a new generation. And it’s clearly getting much worse.

To be a little more serious, let’s move away from the obvious brain defects in the Bush line and head into some economic detail. Bushes are shite with money. They just can’t quite grasp how it works. Let’s see some hard figures, shall we?

Bush senior managed, in just four short years, to bring the Dow Jones average up from 2.4% to a staggering 3.1%. Now I must say I’m impressed with this. Since he put absolutely no thought into it, didn’t try in the slightest, and probably wasn’t aware of it. Oh, and his son kept doing horrendous damage to oil companies by selling his shares. In a similar four-year period, while facing a hostile senate, Clinton only managed to increase it from that 3.1% to 8%. And in the two years after that, up to 12%. That’s no good at all, I hear you cry. And you’d be right. Bush Junior was able to stop this unprecedented growth (unprecedented in the entire world, you understand. Even the Japanese were impressed) within months, then through carefully going on holiday was able remove the World Trade Centre, that thorn in the USA’s economic side. But people pulled together. And the armament industry was able to keep the market going reasonably strongly. Discontented with this unfair economic boon, Bush showed us exactly why he’d never flown a plane and took the economy into an impressive nose-dive, swooping down to 7.9% and managing to undo what Clinton had achieved in almost exactly the amount of time it took to achieve it. He has, mainly by giving out lucrative oil contracts in countries he doesn’t own, managed to stabilise the situation at roughly 10.6%. Doubtless he’s cursing those pesky kids and even now intends some form of legislation banning poor people from owning shares.

Meanwhile, in an effort to create a nice new American aristocracy, he’s abolished estate tax. Estate tax means that incredibly rich dead people have to give away some of their money. This means incredibly rich dead people’s sons might have to do an honest day’s work rather than become governor of Texas. To be fair, Bush Senior isn’t actually dead yet, unless they’ve got some sort of puppet-on-a-string style charade going on until 2012 when they won’t be taxed on his oil billions.

Now, I’d just like to take you aside on a little game I like to play, called “Is There A Financial Conflict of Interest?”. To play the game, you look at a piece of legislation, look at who supports it, and see if they stand to gain from abusing their position. So, just for example, if we look at this estate tax, let’s look at young GW Bush and see if he stands to gain. Daddy is a very rich Texan oil billionaire. Daddy was also paid 800,000 dollars a year for four years (plus expenses. I mean why? Why doesn’t the president pay for his own damn lunches?) by the tax payer so he could double the budget deficit, double unemployment, and attack moustachioed middle-eastern dictators and re-install bearded middle-eastern dictators. That’s 3.2 million dollars (Plus expenses. I don’t get expenses. I earn 200 quid a week. I could do with, say, a private plane and motorcade paid for by the people. I don’t have one. I am, in all fairness, rather unlikely to be able to leave my job having cost the taxpayer 300 billion dollars. This is why my expenses aren’t paid.). Now, is anyone standing to gain from Bush senior not paying 50 cents of every dollar when he dies? Anyone at all? Think about it for a bit.

Wasn’t that easy? Shall we play again? Who stands to gain from legislation removing federal environmental controls? Is it those devilish Carolina fishermen, who are bound by some rather fine fishing limit laws and a thorough permit system? Perhaps Arizona’s casino masters, who pay more tax than anyone else of a similar income bracket and don’t actually effect the environment in any way other than light and sound pollution (And really, if you’re in Vegas, who are you trying to kid if you claim to be there for the beautiful star-lit sky?)? Or could it be a certain Mr George W Bush, oil magnate, son of oil magnates, and once governor of the state with the worst environmental laws, employment laws, general laws, and governors in the whole USA?

Do you know what the most dangerous job on Earth is? It, somewhat suprisingly, isn’t crash dummy in the people’s Republic of China. It’s not Uranium miner in North Korea. It, in fact, has nothing to do with all those appalling, human rights violating commies at all. It’s Texas Oil-rigger. It’s so dangerous that the average life span is only eight months. After that, you either retire with two limbs left, die, or go to Vegas because you’re clearly the luckiest man on the planet and shouldn’t be wasting time working for the Bush family. Texan oil barons have to pay their riggers between two and three thousand dollars a week. What the don’t have to do is give them any sort of protection at all. Most riggers wear a vest and jeans. Most Texan oilrigs have at least one major fire-spurt a week. A fire-spurt is a fifty-foot high geyser of burning oil that effectively rains napalm all around it, including onto you and Ted. This is why the average life span of an oil rigger is eight months.

In these dodgy commie hellholes, the oilrigs aren’t so stupidly dangerous. True, the pay is far, far, far less, but not being dead before you have a year’s experience is generally considered to be a major benefit in most jobs. In fact the only jobs I can think of with similarly lethal potential are suicide bomber, and being a Nurse in a hospital in Iraq.

But I digress, so let’s change the subject completely. Let’s move on to Israel. I would like to make it well known right now that I feel Israel should be given back to the Arabs who’d been living there for a thousand years rather than given to the Jews by a bunch of Christians who lived in Europe and decided they had a right to hand bits of it out. Unlike Mr. Bush, Bush Junior has decided Israel should be allowed to defend itself, which is fair enough considering his standpoint on the issues. Unfortunately, while he says they should be able to defend themselves, he hasn’t really followed it up by giving them the loans he promised them. Possibly the Israel thing isn’t his top priority after all. Possibly he spent the first twenty years of his career digging big dry holes in Texas with money from Saudi Arabia, spent the last four years of his career digging big dry holes in an economy they own 7% of, and feels that he shouldn’t really do anything that might piss them off. Giving Israel a load of money the Saudis own 7% of may very well piss them off. They don’t like Israel for many of the same reasons I don’t. Notice that Bush’s standpoint is right behind Israel on the moral side of things, and completely opposed to it for the 7% issue. So, money not really affecting his judgement there, then, is it?

Bush hasn’t created a single net job since he came to power. In fact, he’s lost about two million of them. Even his daddy did better than that. And Daddy was an exceptionally stupid man. I hope he tries to sue me for that. It would be nice to have a court judgement saying GHW Bush is an exceptionally stupid man and there to be a legal precedent set. I could prove it, too. I have footage of his reason for becoming President. His son did it because he clearly has deep-founded personality issues, wants to be his dad and might also, deep down, really, really love his mother. But GHW Bush did it because he didn’t want to eat broccoli any more. He really hated that stuff, and who could blame him? Of course, he really liked giving troops depleted uranium slugs in the first Gulf War, which might be another cause for GW syndrome, but hey, at least he didn’t give them broccoli!

Here are a few facts about Broccoli:-

1: Broccoli is an excellent source of Vitamin C and folacin, and a useful source of fibre, Vitamin A, calcium and potassium.

2: Broccoli was grown mainly in Italy until the 16th century when a royal marriage brought the vegetable to France. We have the union of Catherine de Medici to Henry II of France to thank for introducing broccoli to French gardeners and cooks. Well done, Cathy.

3: Broccoli will keep for up to five days in a perforated bag in the refrigerator crisper.

4: Broccoli prevents colon cancer, helps to minimise risk for cataracts, protects against stroke, blocks the growth of melanoma skin cancer cells, and contains cancer-fighting ingredients.

5: GHW Bush really hated Broccoli.

It also helps prevent the onset of Bush War Syndrome. GHW Bush banned broccoli from the White House when he was president. So perhaps the Bushes are all dying of colon cancer, and that’s why they’re such a tremendous pain in the arse.

But let’s go into Bush Junior’s personality issues, shall we? I want it to be firmly established right now that most of this is conjecture based on Bush’s personality and actions with a bit of amateur psychology thrown in. I therefore will not have anyone say that I believe

G W BUSH WANTS TO SHAG HIS MOTHER

And anyone who claims I think that, or encourages others to do so, is wrong. However, if you yourself believe

IT’S COMPLETELY TRUE

then I can’t stop that. These are just the facts cast in a certain light.

Fact 1: Bush wants to be his daddy. Bush has been trying to be his Daddy for years. He uses the monkey-see, monkey-do mimic strategy, and so aims to do what his daddy did at roughly similar points in his career. One of the major points about George Bush’s Daddy is that he gets to sleep with George Bush’s Mummy.

Fact 2: Bush continuously strives to out-do daddy. While he failed miserably to do this in the oil business, he has done most of the same stuff as president, only he’s always gone just that little step further. Daddy wrecks the economy, Georgey-porgy truly beats the shit out of it with a spade. Daddy invades Iraq, Little George hunts down Saddam while somehow forgetting the actually issues of national security. So young George isn’t just trying to be like Daddy. He’s trying to out-do Daddy.

Fact 3: Daddy wasn’t home that much. Daddy was a very busy man. He didn’t hang out at the ranch much when young GW was growing up. It was mainly little George, Little Jeb and Momma. Now, Freud tells us that every child, at the age of about three, develops what you call an Oedipus complex, where the fall madly in love with their appropriate parent. The child subconsciously realises that it’s father is much bigger and harder and if it lays a hand on Momma in that fashion then he’ll rip it’s little Texan bollocks off. Except that doesn’t always happen when Daddy’s not around much. Think Norman Bates. Now think if Norman was President.

So I generally like to think that’s what makes little George tick. I don’t particularly think it’s true, I just find it’s great fun explaining it to people, and it’s very hard to disprove.

Oh, and do you know Daddy Bush thought attacking Iraq was a bad idea? He didn’t go after Saddam himself just in case it destabilised the entire middle-east region, dragged thousands of US troops into a pointless attempt to hold Iraq together after they’d crushed the only unifying force, and besides, we all knew Iraq had no really hope of building a Weapon of Mass Destruction. In fact, we knew Iraq would have some difficulty creating a line of eighteen-gear bicycles. And everyone knew this, and proclaimed it in speeches, until sometime around September the fifteenth, 2001. When we changed our minds. I may or may not be talking to Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, ALL the various nefarious Bush clan, oh screw it those are exactly who I’m talking to. Bush went after Iraq because he thought it would make Momma like him more.

Let’s just briefly recap. GW Bush, starve of broccoli’s healing influence as a child, turns to drink and drugs in order to improve his performance as an airman over Texas, desperate to win the hand of the mother he loves so dearly. When she snubs his advances, he realises it’s because Daddy’s president of the most powerful country of the world, and she’s a power-mad bitch (not so different from most first ladies, to be fair), so he decides merely emulating daddy’s not enough. He must surpass him. So he goes out and becomes the worst president pretty much ever. I mean Nixon was a monster, but hey, at least he was good at it.