Patriotic US capitalists throw away banned items

August 11, 2006

Not intimidated by the terrifying threat to all our lives that toothpaste and deodorant pose, US commuters have hurled aside their liquid luggage and boarded planes anyway.

Despite the increased security regulations that have classified Colgate as a lethal weapon, the capitalist pig-do-… I mean, citizens of Democracy’s Amoury have simply hurled their beauty products into the airport bins and boarded anyway.

Of course, this now means that every airport in the USA is filled to the brim with bins containing a potentially deadly mixture of fluorinated whitening agents and Right Guard. Luckily, it seems these items are only dangerous at an altitude of over seventeen feet.

I mean, please, people! For crying out loud, throwing away your contact lense solution will not contribute to the War on Terror. This whole thing seems mainly to be preposterous scare-mongering of the worst kind. The only thing it’s really revealed is that John Reid’s phantom danger to all our safety is, in fact, personal hygiene, just as adolescent boys have been trying to warn us for generations.

While our American brothers-in-arms-sales have taken this as final proof that al-Qaeda are, indeed, out to get us throguh the medium of our spectacle cases, most UK travellers are extremely pissed off, as only someone stuck in Heathrow overnight can be. For our American brothers out there, Heathrow is a grim and brutal grey hell-hole in the parched deserts of southern England, where many would-be travellers have found themselves trapped for no apparent reason, tortured on a daily basis with sleep deprivation and psychological mind games, ever waiting for the day they can leave to see their families and friends again. Imagine Gitmo without the sunshine.

Luckily for everyone, Tony Blair was able to get away on his holidays before any of this unpleasantness occured, and hopefully won’t be able to find his way back into the country without a thorough cavity search.

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