Woman held after in-flight hand cream outrage

August 16, 2006

I hate to hit the same subject twice, but this one really gets me.

A woman was arrested in Boston after she was found with matches and hand cream on board a flight to the USA. For those of you unfamiliar with the dangers of hand cream-match stick bombs, please view… er…

This is ridiculous. For crying out loud, people! It doesn’t just get to me that she was arrested for the hand cream outrage. No, what pisses me off most is that her flight was diverted to Boston, where two US jet fighters escorted it into the airport.

Two top-of-the-line US aircraft, escorting a plane into a different airport than its destination, because a woman was found to have some hand cream. Christ, do you know how many women there are with hand cream out there? Osama bin Laden has gotten deeper than we thought! I myself know at least eight women I come into daily contact with, who are maliciously carrying concealed hand, and indeed face, cream! My life must be high on the list of targets now!

There’s only one solution. I must arm myself with a barretta and seven hundred rounds of ammunition, and shoot any woman I see on sight. My girlfriend may object, but this is truly the price of freedom.

Or else we need someone to tell everyone to stop being so bloody stupid and get their heads out of their arses. Hand cream is not, perhaps, the most dangerous thing on a plane. Possibly the thousand-odd gallons of kerosine used to fly the thing might be a tad more likely an ingition device than, just say, the saline you use to wash your contact lenses.

Someone explain this to the governments of the UK and the USA. The way things are going, it’s enough to make me form my own terror cell. The Focus Aqua Liberation Front.

We at FALF will campaign long and hard against the infidels, until we have complete freedom to take the all-in-one contact lens solution of our choice on board of any vehicle we need to. Let the CIA come, let them try and destroy us. We are not afraid, as long as our eyes remain moist and infection-free!

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