Wiretapping scheme actually illegal after all – world not very stunned

August 18, 2006

In what can only be declared an atrocious act of wanton common sense, a Federal Judge has ruled that the Bush administration’s mass wire-tap antics are, in fact, not what the founding fathers had in mind in 1776 when they wrote the constitution.

Obviously, while Bushco Inc. regards said constitution as a vicious commie hate-rag designed to prevent good, honest right-wing dictatorships from saving the average (read:incredibly wealthy) American’s tax dollars and spying on the poor, it is still the basis of all authority in our favorite banana republic. However, in a move that is both ironic and entirely unsuprising, the Department of Justice has appealed against the ruling.

Apparently, spying on the majority of the population in a big-brother style is vital for preserving their civil liberties. Unfortunately, they can’t actually tell us why without giving the whole game away and letting the terrorists win. In fact, so dire is the situation that they can’t even hint at why. Not a peep. Not even what we may here dare to refer to as a schnookems of information as to what the data is, what it is used for, why it’s used like that, or even how a team of Department Of Homeland Security agents listening into calls to the XXX Barely Legal Naughty Teen Spank Line 24 hours a day could be so important for all our safety.

The Judge, however, calmly replied that such claims were ‘disingenuous and without merit’. I’ve checked with a couple of our legal people, and apparently this is lawspeak for ‘utter bullshit, you fascist pig-dog bastards’.

Thank God that someone in the USA has finally spotted the utter contempt that Bush has for the constitution. I don’t agree with some of it. The right to keep and bear arms is a bit thick, in my eyes. It has to be one of the worst rules any nation has laid down in its foundation legal document. However, the bits about liberty and justice are spot on, really.

Naturally, all our Republican readers (yes, I know you’re out there… both of you) think I’m completely crazy, with my vile leftist ideas about freedom of expression and gun control. I think it should be quite difficult to buy a gun, and I think governments should provide evidence before they imprison people for five years on a distant island with no contact with the outside world. This either makes me an Islamic extremist or a communist bastard, depending on who the government say the baddies are at the moment. What is it with Republicans and overbearing governments now? You guys were meant to be about small government and minimal spending, rather than this billion-dollar-hundred-thousand-strong Department of Overblown Surveillance, Homophobia, Brutality and God (or DOOSHBAG for short). Nowadays you just seem to want a big strong man to hold you in his arms when it’s dark and raining outside. Not that you’re gay, or anything. Hell no, all that overblown homophobia in the Redneck Rep states couldn’t possibly be covering for something, could it? That’d be terrible…

So anyway, if you’ll recall we have our own terror cell now, the FALF. And while we celebrate this victory over the hated DOOSHBAG scum, we will not yet rest! We must liberate the contact lens fluid of all America! Let us savor the taste of sucess with the moist eyedrops of happiness! etc. etc.

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