by Martin Odoni

Sorry for forgetting to get all excited over the last year or so, but it hasn’t been easy to. We’ve been told repeatedly over that time how the thrifty ingenuity of the Conservative Party has rescued and revived the British economy. We have had some growth in the economy since the summer in 2013, I suppose, but somehow, looking at it just doesn’t get me going.

But then, what I can never quite grasp is why the Tories expect everyone to have an orgasm about it. I mean, when have somewhat positive economic performance figures ever had that kind of effect on people?

Still, having said that, have you read the romantic tale of the year, about our delectable heroine, Edith Connie Mee? You haven’t? Well boy, are you missing out! Here’s an excerpt from the – mysteriously-not-bestselling – novel E. Connie Mee’s Diary; –

She stepped into the soft, candle-lit accounting office, the promise of indiscretion ever hanging above the balance-sheet print-outs. Then Gideon put his strong, masculine hand on her arm, well-practised and toned by the writer’s block brought on from endless filling in stationery-requisition reports in triplicate, and then with a romantic flourish, he leaned close and whispered a few sweet annual-debt-divided-by-quarters-and-recalculated-deficits-as-percentages-of-GDP in her ear… and then he… OH YES!!! YES-YES-YES!!! He nibbled seductively on her disability benefits, biting away just enough for her to really feel it. He ran his nimble fingers over her welfare-history file, uncladding all her papers and letting the folder drop to the floor between them. Then, he brought her to the height of ecstasy with the revelation that increased commercial sales from private borrowing had resulted in the satisfying elongation of the activity column of the graph for the year by three per cent! OHHHHHHH!!!!

“Oh Gideon,” she simpered, “Gideon! This has never happened to me before!!!!”

Well actually, that last sentence may even be true. George Osborne getting good performance figures out of the economy is something that has probably never happened to any of us before. And, in terms of figures that will give us something to get excited about on a personal level, no, we are still waiting.

Now, the BBC are reporting that the lukewarm economic ‘recovery’ of the last year-and-a-bit is already slowing down, which is not really a surprise given how unbalanced it is. It might improve again before too long if we’re lucky, but even so, the growth for this year was expected to be the aforementioned three per cent, but has already been downgraded by a significant margin, to two-point-six per cent (thus invalidating projected figures from the OBR that were only published at the beginning of this month). Certainly a long way from recessionary news, but still, a bit of a rushed, damp, premature withdrawal from the recent throes of heated economic passion.

Let’s get back to that book though! About two-and-a-quarter, rather short, paragraphs later…

“Oh dear, Gideon, was that it?” Connie asked, disappointed. “Never mind. We can try again next Parliamentary term.”

“I’m sorry, Connie, I’m not sure I can get my voting slip into your ballot box again that soon…”

It would seem that Tory economics really are a little like reputed Tory sex-lives. A lot of tedious, clumsy foreplay that reduces stimulation much more than it increases it, a much-delayed enlargement finally getting half-into-effect, a brief burst of boisterous, boastful bragging, and other even less eloquent grunting noises as the Tory imagines he has everything ‘turned-on’, and then the whole process just completely runs out of steam much too early for all the people left flat on their back to get any pleasure or benefit out of it.

Oh well, that’s Tory economic recoveries for you. It never feels like they last longer than ninety seconds.

How was it for you, everyone?