Daily Mail Poised For More Stunning Revelations About Red Ed

April 12, 2015

by Martin Odoni

(Satire.)

(Well, just barely.)

In a week of hideous revelations about the louche nature of the apparent Prime-Minister-elect of this country, you might imagine that the people of Britain could face no more. As if it were not bad enough for us to learn that the Labour leader Ed Miliband has been shown to be such a womaniser that he repeatedly cheated on his wife in the long years before he ever actually met her, our nation’s most heroic paragon of journalistic integrity, The Daily Mail, will now reveal sordid details of the feckless, leech-like ways in which this Marxist idler, in former years, would casually sponge off the state, subsidised by hard-working British taxpayers.

For today, it can be revealed that, for the first sixteen years of his life, Ed Miliband did not get a single proper job, and so, when not propped up by his irresponsible socialist parents, he lazily attended schools – paid for by the hardworking British taxpayer we might add (DISCLAIMER: We might make an exception for the schools he attended in the USA, but seeing the USA is really just The Colonies, it’s practically the same thing anyway, right?) – instead of doing the responsible thing and going up chimneys to clear the soot. More damning still, Miliband was so free due to all the subsidies he was receiving that he had the time to learn to play the violin. The Mail must ask the good British Middle Classes a key question about Miliband’s self-indulgent past; a Prime Minister is not just a leader of the country, he is a leader of its very culture, but how can any human being make a contribution to the culture of our society when they insist on wasting time and resources on being good at things like music?

This vile, lazy, womanising, overly-subsidised moral-leper has tried to conceal his idleness by sneakily graduating with honours from University of Oxford and the London School of Economics. But fear not, o hard-working non-poor people who read the Daily Mail, you can rest assured that your journalistic heroes are not fooled for one moment by this deceitful gambit. There is a popular notion, often put about by sub-human left-wing Marxist traitors, that graduating from Oxford and the LSE are marks of excellence and high endeavour. On the contrary, it is a standard dirty trick of all treasonous, anti-British, socialist enemies-of-the-human-spirit in this country to receive these dumbed-down, easily-won qualifications as a cover to hide their lazy, Jobseeker’s-Allowance-financed intentions to overthrow and subjugate the Middle Classes and conquer the Universe. There is only way to stop this Stalinist eater-of-the-flesh-of-new-born-babies; –

PLEASE, OH GOD, PLEASE, VOTE FOR DAVID CAMERON INSTEAD!!!!!! No would-be conqueror will be able to overcome that!

Oh go on, vote for Cameron – go on, do it! Please. We know you’re of a higher moral standard than Miliband, just like we are, and we’ll print some pictures of Miliband’s former girlfriends in swimsuits as a reward if you do, just to prove how much less-obsessed with sex we are than the Commies.

PLEASE!!! VOTE CAMERON! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSE!!!!!! We’ll cry if you don’t.

WE’LL PRINT PICTURES OF KATIE HOPKINS IN A SWIMSUIT IF YOU DON’T!

That genuinely gave you uncomfortable pause-for-thought, didn’t it?

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