by Martin Odoni

If you somehow haven’t heard about this trans-Atlantic diplomatic car-crash yet, please read this.

If you are like me, you are stunned. Offended. Outraged. Appalled.

Because let me tell you here and now, I am stunned! Offended! Outraged! Appalled!

How dare this so-called ‘expert’ on Fox News Channel patronise our country with such a breathtaking display of prejudiced ignorance! I am appalled! Appalled! APPALLINGLY APPALLED!!!!

His words, they’re… they’re … appalling.

How can anyone, even a right-wing reactionary American, make such a wildly-uninformed remark about our country’s mighty second city of Birmingham? How right it is that this conservative ignoramus should apologise. But that is not enough, and nor is his attempt to buy our forgiveness with donations to hospitals.

Let me warn you now, Americans – and indeed people from any part of the world who might be tempted to repeat such scurrilous lies about the capital of the West Midlands – that if I ever catch any of you daring to say anything like this again, I shall have words with you that will make the angels weep! Let me say it now, and in nice bold capital letters, so it sounds as uncompromising as the average Fox News headline; –

NEVER…

EVER…

LET ME CATCH ANY OF YOU SUGGESTING THAT BIRMINGHAM IS A “BEAUTIFUL CITY” AGAIN!

‘Cos it’s a total polyp of a place. I’ve seen bombsites with more beautiful buildings, and better street planning, an’ all.

Eh? What? What did you think I was talking about?

(Satire – and my apologies to the people of Birmingham. This is just my way of showing how little I take anything the ‘experts’ on Fox News Channel say seriously.)

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by Martin Odoni

(Please see the new Whippersnapper blog to get on the wavelength.)

Political views: 

Party: Veering between Green and the Socialist Party.

Views on key issues:

EU: Stay in – but fight hard for reform of various institutions
Immigration: Not terribly bothered; we only make such a huge fuss about it through half-conscious xenophobia anyway
Death penalty: Oppose
Nuclear energy: Support
Fracking: Oppose
Trident: Totally oppose – absolutely useless program, just a form of jingoistic willy-waving
Nationalising of railways: Support
Economic approach: Keynesian/MMT
English Votes for English Laws (EVEL): Support, but with no great urgency
Abolition of/making House of Lords elected: Make it elected; we do need an Upper House of some description
Devolution to Regional Assemblies & Parliaments: Support
Monarchy: Get rid
Unionism: If you mean Trade Unionism – support. If you mean keeping the UK together, on the fence
Legalisation of marijuana: Support
Privatisation of NHS: Totally oppose
Grammar/private schools: Oppose
Tuition fees: Get rid
Licence-fee funded BBC: Support… somewhat
HS2: Support
State counter-terrorism surveillance: Some parts of it need removing
Edward Snowden/Julian Assange: Like and admire Snowden. Respect Assange’s work, but not sure I exactly like him

by Martin Odoni

Dear POTUS-y-wotus-y,

You will no doubt be aware of the damning verdict of the United Nations inspectors by now. The hideous, unspeakable cruelty of a ruthless, unelected Government against the helpless masses of its own population has been exposed as, not merely unfair, but in actual contravention of Human Rights Laws. Vindictive, unconcerned for life and dignity, and bloodthirsty in its desire to suppress all opposition, the Government in question must surely now face immediate and direct military consequences for its crimes against humanity.

Yes, I am calling upon you, Barack Obama, on today, 9/11, to begin military intervention against Her Majesty’s Government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. For with the horrors of the spiteful and ignoble ‘Bedroom Tax’, they have sent many thousands of poor and vulnerable people to the scrapheap of British life. Many now are dying of cold and hunger as the tax deprives exactly the most helpless people in society of the funds they need just to eat properly, or to keep their homes adequately warm, or in some cases to keep their homes at all.

At the same time as imposing this completely unnecessary and cruel burden on many of the poorest in the country, this regime-of-the-rich-and-decadent has repeatedly showered ever-more money, in the form of tax-breaks, onto the richest and most privileged people and institutions under its jurisdiction. This has in turn fed the banks of tax havens across the globe, as these rich people choose to send the extra funds abroad into high-interest, low-tax bank accounts, further impoverishing the country for the sake of currying favour with a small elite.

In short, the regime in London has crossed a red line.

I know the man at the head of this pernicious regime doesn’t have a Middle East-sounding name, nor Arabian-brown skin, nor a party flag with a Hammer-And-Sickle on it, which are the usual potential triggers for your nation to think, “Ah, that must be someone evil!” But even so, how can the world stand idly by in the face of such slow suffering and corrupt injustice? How can you stand idly by and ignore this, when even a representative of the UN has declared that this is a violation of Human Rights’ Laws, and you have the power to bring the perpetrators to justice? Surely you can see that the only way to save the ordinary people of the United Kingdom is now to throw missiles in their general direction as a shot across-the-bows, and hope that David bin-Cameron (there, does he sound evil to you now?) gets caught up in the flames? The only way to free people is to bomb freedom into them, so do it! There is no intervention so humanitarian as killing foreigners to stop their Government from killing them.

You must not decline this request, Mr POTUS. For if you were to oppose military intervention, that would mean you are in favour of doing nothing, and that you are unconcerned with the credibility of International Law. You must send a clear message to bin-Cameron that the Unilateral States of Arbitrary-… er, I mean the International Community will not tolerate the use of Taxes of Mass Deprivation.

All it will take is one barrage to kill bin-Cameron and the whole world will be put to rights, just like it says in Star Wars. So help us, Obama-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope.

Yours pleadingly
Martin Odoni

P.S. Changing the subject entirely of course, we, er, do have oil. It’s in the North Sea. (That’s the blue bit next to Edinburgh.) Just thought I’d mention it.

P.P.S. Well strictly speaking, the Scots have the oil, but no one ever listens or cares if they object anyway.

by Martin Odoni

(Before I get any more complaints from Tory supporters with the usual persecution-complex, yes, I confirm this is satire. Sheesh…)

PLEASE NOTE: In response to the July 2014 reshuffle, there is an update at the foot of the page.

David CameronDavid Cameron – a Prime Minister who can’t lead.

George OsborneGeorge Osborne – a Chancellor of the Exchequer who can’t count.

Michael Gove AKA PobMichael Gove – an Education Secretary who’s semi-literate.

Ignorant Drunken ShitIain Duncan-Smith – a Work and Pensions Secretary who’s unemployable.

William HagueWilliam Hague – a Foreign Secretary who can’t read a map.

Owen PatersonOwen Paterson – an Environment Secretary whose big policy is killing large numbers of animals.

Philip HammondPhilip Hammond – a Defence Secretary who sulks when Parliament won’t allow him to attack.

Theresa MayTheresa May – a Home Secretary who always seems to be completely out-to-lunch.

Jeremy HuntJeremy Hunt – a Health Secretary who makes everybody sick.

Chris GraylingChris Grayling – a Justice Secretary who specialises in making trials unfair.

Maria MillerMaria Miller – a Culture Secretary who is an utter philistine.

Eric PicklesEric Pickles – a Communities Secretary who makes everyone want to steer well clear of him.

Ed DaveyEdward Davey – an Energy Secretary of stultifying inertia.

Nick CleggNick Clegg – a Deputy Prime Minister who… um… does… well, he’s… well-well what I’m trying to say is… no, I mean… what he’s there to do is… to… ermmmmm

– – – – –

Ladies & gentlemen, the British Cabinet.

UPDATE 15-7-2014

With David Cameron’s risible attempt at making the Cabinet more appealing by reshuffling it, I decided it was high time to add in some more Ministerial appointments who really put the ‘moron’ in ‘oxymoron’.

Now the Chief Whip.Michael Gove – again! A Chief Whip who can’t get people to behave.

Equalities Minister?

Nicky Morgan – an Equalities Minister who opposes gay marital rights and wants to increase restrictions on abortions.

Anna SoubryAnna Soubry – a Defence Minister who specialises in being offensive. (Not that we mind in this case, seeing who it was she was offending…)

Stephen CrabbStephen Crabb – a Welsh Secretary who has a major problem with the Welsh being allowed to make decisions for themselves.

Penny MordauntPenny Mordaunt – a Coastal Communities Minister who talks about life at sea like it’s a load of balls.

Priti PatelPriti Patel – an Exchequer Secretary who is completely unable to figure out the value of Scottish money.

Ladies and gentlemen, the reshuffled British Cabinet.

Alcohol is evil

October 2, 2006

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy a drink. Several drinks, in fact. And I’d even conceed that alcohol itself is not to blame for my own stupid, idiotic actions under it’s influence. But this time I feel I’ve really excelled myself.

This is worse than the time I woke up in Sheffield with only one shoe. This beats the time I woke up in a field in Stockport with a cow licking my face. Oh yes, this was just dumb.

I’ve purchased 1200 Marlboro Lights while in a drunken haze. I don’t smoke lights, and I hate marlboro. I’ve also paid £3.50 for each pack of twenty, giving a grand outlay of £210.

The worst part of all this is that I had no idea I’d done it. I discovered my errant purchase earlier today, though it seems the transaction occurred some time on Saturday night. No-one seems to have any record of where I was between the hours of 11pm and 12:30am on that night, though I believe a kebab may have been involved, along with whichever canny bastard managed to offload his entire collection of smuggled fags on me.

I am a total, utter fool.

A Day in the Life

September 15, 2006

Earlier today, someone on Your Say said they wondered how I spent an average day.  Obviously, since I raised some questions about 9/11, I’m a paranoid moonbat.  I know many of you wonder how I spend my time, so here is a day in the life of Modeski:

6.30am – Wake up, remove tinfoil hat
6.32am – Check bathroom for bugs/cameras
6.35am – Shower
6.40am – Have my weetbix
6.45am – Do a sweep of the entire house and perimeter for government spies and/or bugs
7.30am – Check voicemail left from my “team” who constantly monitor Your Say
8.00am – Check night’s server logs, security camera footage and recorded radio transmissions
9.00am – Blog
11.45am – Don my tinfoil hat and take a stroll around the neighbourhood, looking for suspicious vehicles
12.30pm – Lunch.  Sandwiches  – wrapped in tinfoil, naturally
1.00pm – Spend a good four or five hours constant blogging (If I type below 55wpm the computer will blow up)
6.00pm – Dinner with my good lady wife, who may or may not work for ASIO
7.00pm – Check in with Your Say monitors
7.45pm – Another perimeter sweep
8.15pm – Calibrate motion sensors, security cameras, trip-wires, electric fence and other security measures
9.00pm – Blog
11.45pm – Don my tinfoil hat, go to sleep and dream of black helicopters and UFOs.

From this Article in The Age this morning.  Apparently, some guy walked into the city loop railway tunnel in my home city this morning, about 90 minutes before my train got in.  I didn’t experience any delays or anything, in fact I got in a minute or so earlier than normal, woo!

Anyway, this is the today’s topic on The Age’s Your Say section (see links on the right), and I’m just annoyed that some people are talking about terrorism in relation to this incident.  It always has been, and remains ridiculously easy to commit a terrorist act on the transport network.  That’s not what this guy did; he is probably just some nutter taking a walk, or a disgruntled commuter seeing if he can get round faster than the trains. 

 If someone wants to blow up the tunnel, they will.  And I will bet you $100 that they will be less obvious about it than wandering off the platform into the tunnel in full view of commuters and the CCTV network.

We’re not all about to die.  Chill out, people.

 I wrote a haiku about it

Someone in the loop

Crazy man with big bomb? No

Just Connex, too slow.