The Bedroom Tax – An Appeal To The President Of The United States Of America

by Martin Odoni

Dear POTUS-y-wotus-y,

You will no doubt be aware of the damning verdict of the United Nations inspectors by now. The hideous, unspeakable cruelty of a ruthless, unelected Government against the helpless masses of its own population has been exposed as, not merely unfair, but in actual contravention of Human Rights Laws. Vindictive, unconcerned for life and dignity, and bloodthirsty in its desire to suppress all opposition, the Government in question must surely now face immediate and direct military consequences for its crimes against humanity.

Yes, I am calling upon you, Barack Obama, on today, 9/11, to begin military intervention against Her Majesty’s Government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. For with the horrors of the spiteful and ignoble ‘Bedroom Tax’, they have sent many thousands of poor and vulnerable people to the scrapheap of British life. Many now are dying of cold and hunger as the tax deprives exactly the most helpless people in society of the funds they need just to eat properly, or to keep their homes adequately warm, or in some cases to keep their homes at all.

At the same time as imposing this completely unnecessary and cruel burden on many of the poorest in the country, this regime-of-the-rich-and-decadent has repeatedly showered ever-more money, in the form of tax-breaks, onto the richest and most privileged people and institutions under its jurisdiction. This has in turn fed the banks of tax havens across the globe, as these rich people choose to send the extra funds abroad into high-interest, low-tax bank accounts, further impoverishing the country for the sake of currying favour with a small elite.

In short, the regime in London has crossed a red line.

I know the man at the head of this pernicious regime doesn’t have a Middle East-sounding name, nor Arabian-brown skin, nor a party flag with a Hammer-And-Sickle on it, which are the usual potential triggers for your nation to think, “Ah, that must be someone evil!” But even so, how can the world stand idly by in the face of such slow suffering and corrupt injustice? How can you stand idly by and ignore this, when even a representative of the UN has declared that this is a violation of Human Rights’ Laws, and you have the power to bring the perpetrators to justice? Surely you can see that the only way to save the ordinary people of the United Kingdom is now to throw missiles in their general direction as a shot across-the-bows, and hope that David bin-Cameron (there, does he sound evil to you now?) gets caught up in the flames? The only way to free people is to bomb freedom into them, so do it! There is no intervention so humanitarian as killing foreigners to stop their Government from killing them.

You must not decline this request, Mr POTUS. For if you were to oppose military intervention, that would mean you are in favour of doing nothing, and that you are unconcerned with the credibility of International Law. You must send a clear message to bin-Cameron that the Unilateral States of Arbitrary-… er, I mean the International Community will not tolerate the use of Taxes of Mass Deprivation.

All it will take is one barrage to kill bin-Cameron and the whole world will be put to rights, just like it says in Star Wars. So help us, Obama-Wan Kenobi, you’re our only hope.

Yours pleadingly
Martin Odoni

P.S. Changing the subject entirely of course, we, er, do have oil. It’s in the North Sea. (That’s the blue bit next to Edinburgh.) Just thought I’d mention it.

P.P.S. Well strictly speaking, the Scots have the oil, but no one ever listens or cares if they object anyway.