A Warning To Americans About Birmingham

by Martin Odoni

If you somehow haven’t heard about this trans-Atlantic diplomatic car-crash yet, please read this.

If you are like me, you are stunned. Offended. Outraged. Appalled.

Because let me tell you here and now, I am stunned! Offended! Outraged! Appalled!

How dare this so-called ‘expert’ on Fox News Channel patronise our country with such a breathtaking display of prejudiced ignorance! I am appalled! Appalled! APPALLINGLY APPALLED!!!!

His words, they’re… they’re … appalling.

How can anyone, even a right-wing reactionary American, make such a wildly-uninformed remark about our country’s mighty second city of Birmingham? How right it is that this conservative ignoramus should apologise. But that is not enough, and nor is his attempt to buy our forgiveness with donations to hospitals.

Let me warn you now, Americans – and indeed people from any part of the world who might be tempted to repeat such scurrilous lies about the capital of the West Midlands – that if I ever catch any of you daring to say anything like this again, I shall have words with you that will make the angels weep! Let me say it now, and in nice bold capital letters, so it sounds as uncompromising as the average Fox News headline; –

NEVER…

EVER…

LET ME CATCH ANY OF YOU SUGGESTING THAT BIRMINGHAM IS A “BEAUTIFUL CITY” AGAIN!

‘Cos it’s a total polyp of a place. I’ve seen bombsites with more beautiful buildings, and better street planning, an’ all.

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Eh? What? What did you think I was talking about?

(Satire – and my apologies to the people of Birmingham. This is just my way of showing how little I take anything the ‘experts’ on Fox News Channel say seriously.)